9.19.2006

Impending doom???

Nah, just anxiety I think. I don’t know, just can’t shake the feeling something bad is going to happen. I do have other classic symptoms of anxiety including heart palpitations, chest pains, increased heart rate, teeth grinding and restlessness. The massage therapist commented on how stressed I must be because my upper back was all in knots. I said I had no idea how I got so knotted. She asked if I sit at the computer all day? Not all day. Do I grind my teeth at night? I suppose so because my jaws have been sore, and I catch myself clenching my teeth on occasion.. She said all the muscles are linked together so tension starting in the jaw can extend down to the neck and shoulders. I have seen doctors regarding my cardio health and both have ruled out anything serious, so I’m less worried about those symptoms but they’re still there and still bothersome.

But why am I so stressed? People who know me will tell me I’m the most laid back person. It takes a lot to really get me down. I don’t hold anger or grudges. Perhaps there are a lot of little things that I’m not aware of that are piling up. Little things that seem like no big deal on their own, but when they compile, I get stressed.

The latest thing bugging me is that I share my classroom with another teacher during my conference period, so I don’t get much of a break from kids. In this class there is an autistic kid who makes siren sounds and goat noises all the time which annoys the hell outta me. The teacher in here is nice, but too nice. She lets the kids run all over her and then yells when they get out of hand. She’s been teaching for over 25 years and is good at it, but bad at managing her kids. I guess it’s no surprise her teenage daughter is spoiled rotten. My hormones are causing me to be less patient this week. I’m PMSing big time.

There has also been so much bad news lately. So many people have died recently, and most of them young with full lives ahead of them. There was the suicide of my former colleague’s daughter (26), a local 16-yr-old girl who OD’d, the recent high profile deaths of Steve Irwin (44) and Anna Nicole’s son (20), and just last week I was on my way to pick up my son and was slowed by traffic from a motorcycle accident. The cyclist was on the ground convulsing and had a spray of blood on his chest (I really don't intend to look at these things, but there was no way to avoid the scene.). This was before the EMS arrived. Later I find out he didn’t survive. He was a 28-yr-old doctor. That reminds me, that this is the 2nd accident I drove by before paramedics arrived to the scene within a year. I drove past an accident last year on my way home and saw that the driver had been thrown from the vehicle and was lying on the ground. Someone had approached the scene to help, but I later found out that he died. He was an older man between 60 and 70. Very disturbing to see someone in their final moments of life. Even people I don't know. They had family who loved them and my heart really aches for their loved ones.

That’s enough to bring someone down, but I still feel incredibly happy in the inside. I’m not depressed or down in the dumps. I’ve got much to be thankful for and if anything, these deaths are making me realize how short life really is and how important it is to enjoy our time while we’re here with our loved ones.

Traffic has been stupid lately which pisses me off and my heart rate usually increases when I’m driving. If you read my last entry, you heard about the Hummer bully. I’ve run into other a$$wholes on the road lately too.

Finally, I’ve not been discipline about exercising lately and it makes a huge difference in my mood. I’m wanting to go running because the weather has been nice, but need new running shoes. I was planning a yoga session last night, but ended up taking a long soak in the tub and enjoyed a glass of wine. I’ve just got to plan to do nothing else. Today is such a beautiful day-a lovely cool front came through. Perfect day to go walking, but I have errands to run. I cannot put off the grocery store another day! I will just have to hustle on through and plan a simple meal so I can go after dinner, and then hopefully squeeze in a yoga session after the boys go to bed. It will all work out. I just need to find my balance again and relax more. I’m going to go back for another massage in a couple weeks.

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