10.25.2007

lost & found

I wish I had some inspiring quote to start this blog, but I don't, so I'll just toss this out there because I have some steam to blow. I haven't been well lately, and I've just recently come to terms with that. I've been floating along, drifting aimlessly, until I went too far from shore and nearly drowned. The good news is, I've come to my senses and some yucky stuff that has been festering beneath the surface has bubbled over and instead of half-ass cleaning it then ignoring it, I am ready to disinfect and feel confident that I won't get sick or spread the germs to anyone else I care about...when all is said and done, of course. I've got my work cut out for me and I anticipate much personal growth from everything I've been going through, and hope a much stronger Smoochgirl will emerge.

My good friend Beck's favorite quote is "Not all who wander are lost." Well, I wandered a bit too far and got lost...in a bad way. I lost myself and I'm still trying to find her. Recent events have made this all too clear, but my problems existed long before. I have been so blind for the longest time. Blind and delusional, living in a dream world, pretending that everything was fine. I even had myself fooled. The truth is, I haven't felt like myself for a long time. I've been disenchanted with my life, and was trying to find fulfillment in places I had no business being. Without going into much detail on the WWW, let's just say I've been reckless and the consequences have hit me head-on. Because of my selfishness, I've inflicted pain and inconvenience on a few people I love and lost a friend in the process. The damage I've caused certainly has a rippling effect.

It baffles me why I'm unhappy. I really do have it all: a husband who loves me unconditionally and puts up with my craziness. Through all of this, he has proven to be the most loyal companion I could ever ask for and I've never felt so loved. I've got two awesome boys, and even though they occasionally drive me to insanity, I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm blessed to have supportive friends who love me and some who have stuck with me since preschool. I've got a nice house, a nice car, and a career I absolutely love. I'm physically very healthy and eat well. So what's missing, I have to ask myself? I'm most certainly not at peace with myself right now and I'm not quite sure how to find my Zen. I have this underlying anxiety, that's constantly buzzing in the background, ringing in my ears, making me clench my teeth. But why...I can only think of a few minor changes that have occurred in the past two years, but they seem too trivial to cause so much anguish. About a month ago I dreamed that my mom told me I need to get professional help because my life was spinning out of control and I was on a destructive path. My dream did not mirror the events in my life, but I was clearly a mess. I decided to take my mother's advice from my dream and seek professional help. I, of all people, am now in THERAPY!!!!! I never thought I'd sink this low. I always thought I was strong enough to overcome anything ON MY OWN, but I now realize I do need help to get my life back on track, and it's okay. It's actually very humbling and very relieving and I'm not ashamed to admit that I have broken down and am now getting help to put the pieces back together. I've always been a strong proponent of self-improvement. Perhaps that's part of my problem. I have such high expectations for myself that are nearly impossible to reach, or not possible in the current phase of my life. As a result, I've been beating myself up, slowing chipping away my ego. So there you have it; my secret's out. That's why I've been withdrawn from the world lately, as I begin my journey to reconnect with myself and my soul...

Last evening was my third meeting with my therapist and I felt so elated as I was driving home. It's amazing the effect a positive comment from an outside party has on me. I definitely feel I'm getting my money's worth. She confirmed that I have a great life and I'm great at everything I do, and that 30 is too young to stop having fun (but then so is 40, 50, 60, 70 and so on)! I realize I need to have fun in more constructive ways. I'm currently trying to prioritize the important things in my life to make it all balance out. A couple of things lacking have to do with my busy schedule and poor time management. For example, I really want to fit exercise in some form every day. It's my anti-depressant and keeps me feeling vitalized, not to mention healthier and more attractive. I also need to take time for my art, as I promised myself I would, even it's only 10 minutes a day or an hour a week. So, after I got home from my session, dinner was already heating on the stove. See, I was ambitious the night before, planned ahead and made my spicy potato kale soup so all I had to do was reheat it. After dinner, I spent some time with the boys and they went to bed by 8:30. The time change is awesome for that! Then I spent the next 30 minutes adding a few pieces to one of my collages, and the following 30 minutes doing a pilates session! I went to bed feeling so accomplished. Today our art department went on our field trip to the museum district, which always recharges my batteries and inspires me. I graded all of my student's photo projects on the bus, so I didn't get behind from being away from school. After we got home, we went on a nice walk and I jogged a little. We ate our leftover potato soup & salad, I helped the eldest with homework and got both boys to bed on time. So here I am now feeling like things are looking up and I'm not so lost any more!

2 comments:

Jenni-beck said...

i'm glad you are feeling that things are on the up and up. therapy is a good thing for a couple reasons:
-whether or not the therapist gives you good advice, they are usually good at making you think about things in a clear, concise manner...so that you are better-equipped to deal with things.
-sometimes sharing issues woes with friends feels like 'dumping'... suddenly you are free to express yourself without feeling guilty. you are paying them to listen to you! :)

good luck to you, woman! it sounds as though you are on the right track.

Serg and Lis said...

Caryn,
I'm so glad to know all this! You are not alone my dear friend.......you will come out stronger! And you ARE a strong person--a bit hard headed too;), says the pot to the kettle!:)